Mind Doodles

There’s no better way to put it than I’m dying.

I’m taking 20 credits this quarter to graduate on time. So every single day, I have class from 8:30AM - 12:30 PM. No breaks. Then I head off to work everyday by 1. And I stay there pretty much indefinitely. Then I come home to homework… then rinse and repeat.

By the end of the work week tomorrow, I would have worked 42 hours in the past week. It was 32 the week before. I’m probably working both of the weekend days towards the end of the month to meet our monthly report deadline. That’ll probably put me at around 50 hours next week.

Everyone tells me to slow down at work. Really? REALLY? I am trying to get a full-time position at that job. I can’t fucking slow down. Do you know what the job market looks like for new grads like myself at the moment? They’re not good.

But I also can’t fuck up at school. Because I don’t want to work at the law firm forever, grad school is definitely part of my future plans… so my grades will still matter.

I can’t wait to graduate. JUNE 2012. Come here. NOW.

I can’t even remember the layout of my gym. Or what a non-rushed meal tastes like. Even sitting across someone while eating is a rarity now. And forget about boys. Or doing things “just because.” Ugh. I need a beer, a hug and a time machine.

This week blows. 

With some events that occurred within the past couple of years, I learned something very valuable: Never expect anything.

If you don’t, you don’t have to get so hurt when reality does not meet your expectations.

It’s a kind of embittered cynicism that I would never wish for anyone to feel. Basically, I don’t make plans into the distant future that would involve people — I just don’t want to count on them. That’s not to say that I don’t ever take the time to appreciate what is in front of my face. However, I just believe that people are there until they’re not. I wake up equally prepared for another day when those I love and care about will stick around and just as prepared that they will walk away.

I’m just resigned about things that I have no control over. When I tell this to people, I think they mistake my feelings for bravery. It’s the myth that the most stoic among us is some superhuman badass.

What they don’t understand is my feelings are based more on feeling defeated than feeling brave. What they can’t sense is the paralyzing terror I feel when I wake up thinking people are going to walk away from me today. What they don’t know is as much as I am aware that some people have good days and bad days, I will sometimes misread people’s bad days and think that things are about to end. What they don’t see is that there is a sort of fucked upness in the way that I don’t expect people to stick around as it speaks to a sort of devaluation of myself. To thinking that I am not good enough or worth sticking around for.

Regardless, I don’t really know how to go about things better. I just don’t want to ever expect anything. It’s a wall I’ve put up and I do believe it has kept me safe from the aches that will inevitably come with not being guarded.

Now here’s where things get complicated: 

Truth be told, my reality lately has been better than any expectation I could have conjured. People have been so wonderful to me. A handful of people have been so great to me that I often question how deserving I am of such kindness and such patience.

Now I’m scared. Because I am starting to expect things again. Because I am starting to trust people again. So I want to flee.

Get this: I want to flee not because things are bad but because things are TOO good.

I want to escape because people are so kind. Because people go out of their ways to cheer me up. Because people will break who they have established themselves to be to better suit me. Because people make me feel special — they make me feel like I’m worth the effort. 

They say things that seem to be against every fiber of their being just to see me smile. Regardless of their seeming lack of compassion, they will sit with me to tell me that I have legitimate excuses for the “bad” or “dumb” things I have done lately. Instead of the irritation I expect on their faces when I open my mouth about yet another rant, I see nothing but softened expressions.

None of this is what I should be fleeing from; however, I have never EVER in my life wanted to “escape” with the intensity that I do now. Because if I don’t walk away — then they will. And like in the past, I will feel like a rug had been pulled from underneath me. That scares me. So much.

I’m not really sure what to do because physical/geographical flight isn’t a viable option for me at the moment so I sometimes find myself sabotaging myself. I catch myself doing it and yet I can’t stop.

And you know what sucks? People put up with it. Some have put up with me pushing them away. 

I think the walls are coming down. And you know what’s scary and exciting and completely mind-blowing? What’s on the other side of the walls is nothing but goodness.

So what now?

Ayyy. This is some really boring diary-type account of stuff. It’s mostly for my sake so I can look back a few months from now and remember what January was like so I apologize for how dry this all is.

School. So I have no idea what’s going on with school. There was no school on Monday. One of my classes got cancelled on Tuesday and I decided not to go because my car battery was dead (and I just didn’t even want to try). Then we had 3 snow days in a row. I feel so disconnected from it all. I haven’t done a single reading (shhh!) It just all seems so silly after working 40 hour weeks this summer to write 10 page papers for hypothetical situations. I guess this is senioritis kicking in? Still trying to keep my grades up regardless. I kinda broke a streak of being on the Dean’s List last quarter… which sucks but I’m not sure I care that much. I want to be back on it if only for my mom’s sake who loves the letters the dean sends out. Still trying to work towards getting some experience towards being an OT. Now THAT I care about… but it’s not quite school-related.

Work. Well work is kicking my butt. I can’t quite work long or hard enough. There’s just too much! An extra hand would be nice but, at the same time, we all know it’ll slow down eventually so it’s hard to want to hire new people at the moment. I can’t keep up. I used to clear out my inbox and now there are constantly 20 new files sitting. Just when I start making a dent in all I have to do, I receive 10 new files for the day. Fuuuuuck. I wasn’t able to keep up when I was working 45 hour weeks over winter break and cutting my hours down to 20-25 a week is NOT helping.

Working out and eating right. THIS I actually am doing right. I mean, not perfectly because I just ate a big brunch today for a friend’s birthday. But for the most part, I’ve been really good at this since I started 2 weeks ago. I’ve been working out pretty consistently everyday. I did a “rest day” from strength training but I still did 20 minutes of cardio because my body craved it. I’m not trying to track my progress which, I think is the best way for me to go about this. I don’t want to frustrate myself over the number on the scale or over measurements. I can feel my body changing already. I managed to slip into a pair of jeans I couldn’t get past my hips this summer so that’s good! I like that it feels kind of routine for me to make time to work out now. And I’ve been varying up what I do so I think that’s also good.

Boys. Um. MOVING ON… Not until I like my body!

Friends. Friends are getting expensive yo! I kind of want to put a ban on birthdays. Also, I really need to come up with more creative ways to hang out with them rather than just over coffee, over food or over booze. This is another part of why I’m trying to work on my fitness. My old roommate always meets up with people to play frisbee or basketball or something. I want to be THAT girl too.

The end.

embottom:

itotallyrelate:

I just laughed. So hard.

(Source: 23fairylights)

fuelingit:

searching-for-a-purpose:

To be done for 1 minute or 30 seconds

Hollow hold arms up 

Hollow hold arms down

Mermaid arms in front 

Mermaid arms behind 

Side hollow hold L & R sides

Side elbow hold L & R sides

Side arm hold arms straight L & R sides

Side arm hold 1 arm straight 1 arm bent L & R sides

Front support 

Rear support 

Front elbow support 

Rear elbow support 

THE BUUUURN

(Source: searching-for-a-purpose93)

Until I can get my car out of my neighborhood (2 or so inches of snow stops life in Seattle), I can’t get to the gym. I’ve been busing everywhere but the gym isn’t easily accessible from the bus stop. Anyway, I’ve resorted to doing Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred at home instead.

And you know something is tough when I dream of running at 7 mph on a treadmill instead of doing another fucking push-up.

But the feeling 5 mins after the workout (until the next time you do it)? The soreness? The pain that makes you feel stronger? It hurts SO GOOD.